All That Glitters
My experience of grief has been a funny thing.
My road back to life has been filled with strange new habits that have not only helped me climb out of the darkness, but in the process made my smile genuine and not just for for show.
In the depths of darkness, of feeling utterly alone, drifting through time, I couldn’t find a way out.
I read everything, self help books, blogs which only seemed to make me feel worse.
I knew I had two choices.
-
kill myself
-
find a way to live on
but how?
Every time I read a blog or listened to a self book, I felt inadequate. Sometimes I would shout – “how”, ‘how did you get out ?
I would read amazing tales of how plp found joy – or the many – love yourselves phrases.
But I couldn’t do it, I didn’t know HOW?
Then one day I said to myself – ‘Chris – you are on your own – deal with it’
The months of wearing black (although not a new thing as I had always loved black’ or navy blue for a change :-). )
Not really bothering to take care of myself at all really.
I had never been one to dress up, I had always preferred comfort above all else.
I remember my mum sometimes would say, ‘I’m not going out with you until you put some make up on’
At the time i thought she was just being a nag, I didn’t really get it.
Mum had always made an effort, although she was quite simple, she loved jewellery and bright nail varnish. Whilst I would opt for the single piece of jewel and my beloved beiges on my fingers – ensure I didn’t stand out.
My beautiful sister was the same, always made an effort, her phrase – ‘every day is a special occasion, so why save up the heels. She loved colour and prints.
So it began. I remember saying – ‘ok, what can I do?
A baby step
I started painting my nails. Sunday afternoons (I didn’t need to leave the house to do it so I felt ‘safe’ as I didn’t need to face anyone)
I branched out into wearing a light pink (my version of bright lol ).
And that was all I would do.
Each day when I had to force myself out to go to work (I don’t think anyone had any idea that I was crumbling inside. I was an expert at hiding my feelings) I began to wear jewellery again.
After loosing mum I couldn’t wear any of it, not even the simple peices.
So each day (but only if I could) sometimes it would be a week, I would add a new piece of jewellery. Two rings instead of the lonely one.
Each time I would look down at my fingers, It was a statement of my internal fight, it reminded me of mum – bit by bit I allowed myself to think – ‘mum is this ok?’
So here I am now, as the months have passed, I am wearing everything, 3/4 necklaces, rings and bracelets everywhere.
Now everything I catch a glimmer of the gold and silver (I’ve gone full force, I’m actually mixing colours now) I smile, a real smile because to me it’s a small statement of the silent journey I am on, the distance I have come. And on some days I feel mum smile and hear the words “my darling girl”
I AM CHRISTYNETTE
I AM ME
2 Comments
Jamie
What a beautiful thing that you can wear support and carry around your Mum’s influence in your jewellery – I’m sure she’d be so proud 💛✨
luster
I аm sure this post has touⅽһed all the
internet ⲣeople, its reaⅼly really good post on building up new blog.