Jealous – Sister

Jealous – Sister

Losing my sister 6 months after mum, watching her go through the same pain, the same physical suffering, the imminent fear that I didn’t have time.

I cannot express what I was feeling.. if I was feeling anything at all. 

You see, we had both promised each other that we would never leave each other. We had a daily ritual, she would ask me

“have I told you how much I love you today”,

I would say no, then we would both find silly ways of expressing our love. 

She would says things like “I love you like lemonade on a hot summers day“ I would reply, “I love you like fish fingers and chips” (my favourite food),

I love you like rice and peas
I love you like a scatch that’s just been itched
I love you to the moon and back
I love you more than Milky Way and all of the planets combined

We could go on and on and on like this coming up with the most silly expressions we could think of, until we would both burst out in laughing
Now there was silence…….

The last time I saw her, she was in hospital, crying (but just to me) see we had this ‘thing’ we would only cry to one another, never in front of anyone else. 

She was apologising for crying, apologising that I had to go through this yet again, as I helped her in the bathroom, (she was in too much pain to keep herself upright) and I got angry with her, I told her “you are my sister” there is nothing I would not do, no pain I would not endure.
As lifted her back into bed, she whispered to me, “I’m ready”, “I’ve had enough”, “please forgive me but I have to leave you, please don’t think me weak, but I just want some peace”

I told her it was ok, that I loved her more than words, there was nothing to forgive. I made her promise, that if I went away for a rest (I had been very unwell and she was worried about me… that’s who she was) she would wait for me.

The day she died, as I stood on the tarmac waiting to board, rushing back, trying to get back to the UK, praying for more time, time to say goodbye, crying out to her, please don’t go, please don’t leave me, I am on my way, please please I’m not ready. Angry with her, why did she tell me to go? Why did I listen? (knowing that I had no choice, she was always so bossy and no telling her no) As I held the phone and was quietly and simply told “She’s gone”… in that moment, everything I held in, the face I had put on, each wall came crashing down.

I had not grieved, for my father, my mother but the death of my sister brought me to my knees literally. As I sat on the floor, at the bottom of the stairs, with the air hostesses asking me if I was able to fly.
I thought what’s the point, what’s the point of anything. I couldn’t understand how the world was stil moving when mine had come crashing down…

Three months later, here I was, in the darkness of my bedroom (opening the curtains felt like a pointless activity) it only served as a reminder that life for other people was going on…

So here I was, 11 months and 20 days later… I found my voice, but as I sing this song, I think of the women in my life that changed me, raised me, supported me, loved me. As the fog lifts a tiny bit, the cloak of grief cracked there are still moments that I am jealous, jealous that I cant feel them near.

I AM CHRISTYNETTE